#6: "But I don't like it!"

"Child Raising Rule #6: At times, your child may tell you that they don't want to eat whatever you made. The correct response is NOT the following:

"You will eat what I made! Because eating is one of the basic fundamentals of living, so if you don't eat, you will die! And I am not explaining to SRS that you died because you don't like mushrooms on your pizza! They will put me in jail!"

That is what might be considered a little "heavy" for a six year old girl...."

#5: Because they just are...

"Child Raising Rule #5: At some point, your nine year old son will come to you with an uncomfortable question. And no matter how much you prepare yourself, it's still going to be awkward and you will most definitely trip over the answer as you try to respond in a delicate manner.

"Dad, why are women always the bosses of men?""

#4: McGyver would be proud...

"Child Raising Rule #4: You should get your child down immediately when they are hanging on for dear life from a tree branch, and THEN create a status update about your success in creating a homemade see-saw catapult...."

#3: Daughters and Boys

Eventually, you will feel the need to give the "Mess with bull and you get the horns" hand gesture to some boy that is talking to your daughter...sure, he's only 6...but it's never too early to let them all know....

#2: Practical Jokes

It is never....and I mean NEVER...okay to sneak up on your child, grab them and start running while in the mall...not even for a little bit...Those security guards were just doing their jobs. But clothes-lining me with a flashlight seemed a little excessive...

#1: Bed-time Tricks

The theory of "sugar coma" only works on your wife, not your two-year-old. It does the complete opposite of a "sugar coma." It is more of a "sugar induced re-enactment of a Motley Crue stay at the Waldorf hotel in 1987."